I had it all wrong

Yeah, I really did have it all wrong. I thought you'd find love and then you'd find happiness.


It doesn't work that way. I found myself across the country carving out a new life for me. Only no one wanted to hire me. And those that did, I grew to hate both them and myself. I lost myself. I was once worth something. I was valued. No longer. I searched but did not find.


I found myself flirting with grand ideas of being part of something great. I raised my right hand and took a chance. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. With fear in my heart and just the slightest bit of curiosity, I stepped off the bus onto the grounds that would forever change my life.


On those frozen grounds I found myself. I finally found the job I've been praying for my entire life. I love the lifestyle and culture.  My job is exciting and rewarding. It's challenging but a challenge I know I can succeed in. Who doesn't want to be successful? Who doesn't want to go into work happy? I know I do. I see that I do have a future in this job. If you ask me where I see myself in 5 years, I can answer you. I have a plan. I have a goal. And I know how to get it.


Only this job is costing me my life. I live alone. I have no friends. No family to love. Just the companionship of my furry friend.


I met myself a couple months ago. It was me 5 years from now. Alone, with no children and no husband. She asked me when I wanted to start a family. I told her, "After I deploy and then we'll see."


She told me that she said the same thing once, back when she was married. She said, "Don't wait for the family you want. Your work will always make demands on you, but here I am, outranking you by quite a few stripes, telling you don't make the same mistake I made. This job is great but in the end, I wish I had made different choices. I had my priorities wrong when I was you. I should've made better choices. That's what life is really about. It's not about your career. Your career is a cold and loveless lover.  If you let it, it will destroy the greatest gift you've ever received. Don't put the important things on hold because you want that next promotion."


I took a step back and looked over at my leaders; at the people I wanted to be. Many were divorced, alone, or single parents. I saw loneliness and struggle in their eyes. I recognized it well. I looked again and saw there were others who had a full life. They were the ones who made their career work for their family. Not the other way around. And these people were the ones who had found success in both their families and their careers.


I want to be the latter. It's time to turn things around before it's too late. I don't want to lose the greatest gift of my life. So with fear in my heart and a little bit of hope, I am resetting my priorities. I still have the same husband and the same job but I embrace them with a new plan and little prayer. If I don't get the next promotion or the next deployment, it will be okay. That is no longer the most important thing in my life. How did I let it take over?


Wish me luck.



My Best Friend





First off we moved out of our dread full home in the country into a lovely 1950's era house in town. I love it. We are close to everything and everyone. I see my friends more. The house can stay clean. It has heat. And did I mentioned its clean? The other house was always dirty. You'd clean it but then the wind would blow outside and it was dirty again. I felt like the mythical god who spends eternity pushing a boulder up a hill. I feel so blessed in the house I'm in now.

Booth, on the other hand, is a different story. The new environment didn't really help things for him. Poor guy. He's lost weight, is more immature, and more needy. We feel really bad for him. Living in the town with people everywhere is a bit much for him. He's a scary dog if he doesn't know you. And he wants to "address" everyone who walks by the house. He gets in trouble a lot more. We keep him in the back so he doesn't have to see people. However, while we were on vacation he managed to break through the fence to the front yard. He knows he's not allowed to be in the front yard but he took advantage of his dog sitter. German Shepherds are a handful. I can't wait till he's a little older.

When we moved into this house I went on an organization frenzy. This home is really for my husband. I'll be leaving in a short few weeks and will be gone for the next two-possibly three- years. Yes, you heard me correctly.

A couple of months ago I joined the Army National Guard-which is the second change in our lives. I'm looking forward to this change. I missed the military when my husband was in. He is now focusing on other things that make re-enlisting unrealistic at this time. I got tired of looking for jobs I really don't want. So I figured out what I wanted out of life and asked the Army to make it happen. My family thinks I'm crazy for doing this, but they will always think that of me. Its the frustrating curse of being the youngest.

Since I will be gone I want to make the house as livable for the hubby as possible. I have gone through everything we owned and donated half of it. Its amazing how much stuff you collect that you don't really need. It has taken me months to do this but I love doing it. Also, I fear that when I leave Levi will throw out all my stuff. He claims that as soon as I'm gone he's going to redecorate. Lord help us.

Every morning I wake up in fear. I can’t move or else I’ll make noise. If I make noise then the end is near; the end of peace and stillness, as I know it. I’m overcome by the urgent need to stretch. Very slowly, I slip my legs through the sheets. Noiselessly, my muscles are satisfied. Perhaps, if I turn over he’ll think I’m still sleeping. Boldly, I shift my body to a more comfortable position. I listen to hear if I’ve disturbed the sleeping giant.



Silence.


I breathe out a sigh of relief. Snuggling with my pillow, I relax and attempt to go back to sleep.


I hear a rustle in the living room.


Oh no! I’ve woken him! “Please, please don’t come in the room. Just go get a drink. You’re thirsty, don’t you know that?” I mentally plead with him.


Clu-clunk. Something heavy hits the floor. I hear a stifled yawn, followed by slow and steady steps. I squeeze my eyes shut as he enters the room. There is a slight pause. Then the steps continue pass my side of the bed. He’s headed to my husband’s side of the bed. I’m safe.


I breathe out a sigh of relief. The footsteps stop. Oh shoot! He’s suspicious. Don’t move girl! Don’t move. Sleeping people breathe, right?


The steps continue and I’m still safe.


My husband is laying next to me, pretending to be asleep too. He must’ve just woken up moments before. He knows better than to move a muscle. His face is washed with hot breath. He’s a Marine. He knows how to stay strong in the face of the enemy. He remains motionless.


A pathetic whimper fills the room. My husband can feel eyes staring at him. Another whimper is released. My husband and I are stone still. A wet tongue rolls over his face but to no avail. Left with no other choice, the monster must make one last effort to get our attention. The next thing we know, our 50 lbs oversized puppy jumps into bed with us. He jumps all over us, crushing any remaining dreams of sleeping.


“WAKE UP!! It’s time to play with me! Did you miss me? I missed you! I also missed my bone. Just in case you missed it too, I brought it with me.” This is followed by shoving a dog bone in our faces. He is a whirlwind of motion: jumping from one end of the bed to the other. There’s a paw in your back, now on your face, and now the dog just fell on you. You’re completely pinned under this bundle of joy. It’s the worst way to wake up. He’s not a cute little guy anymore. And he NEVER lets us sleep until our alarm clock goes off.

 
 
 
What?
 
 
 
 
 
 
The husband and the monster catching up on sleep.

I just got a little perspective yesterday. This entire time I've been thinking that things have been really rough. Well it's hasn't been. At least not as bad as it could be. I was reading a woman's comment about the real hardships of life. She grew up in the military and then married into the military. This woman knows what she's doing. She had a lot of wisdom and advice to give. I wish she'd write a book. She doesn't think having a baby alone in the military is something we should get upset about. Instead, it's times when the wife has cancer and her husband is called away. He doesn't know if she is going to be alive when he comes home. Or when her own father was KIA the day before she graduated high school. According to her, these are the real tragedies of life. She's right. However, it doesn't make missing the birth of your child any easier. She wasn't dismissing it but rather offering a little perspective. That kind of stuff helps me realize my own problems aren't as horrible as I think.

This whole time I've been thinking that we've been having it rough. Really, the only problem is my attitude. I don't like change I haven't been prepared for. I like a good adventure as long as I'm prepared for it. I was all about moving across the country but I was not okay with the unknown that greeted us. If we had jobs and housing set up, I'd be fine. I have no problems making friends, so that's not an issue. The issue was my attitude. I hated where we were living, where I was working (and thankfully no longer working), and I missed my family. 

The thing about it is, I love the town we live by. It is so refreshing and new. Washington is a very progressive state and I love it. I'm not much of a hippy and never will be, but I enjoy how conscientious everyone is here.

I read another blog about a woman who's husband came back from deployment a different man. He suffered a head injury and has never been the same. She has to completely take care of his every need.  He has TBI and PTSD. I can't imagine how drastically her life has changed. Yet she is embracing it and working through that. That's not an easy life and I really admire her.

Perhaps I needed to throw my fit and then be slapped in the face with other's reality. Hopefully next time I wont be such an idiot about myself. Think about it, why is it we feel like our lives are so rough?

Last month I decided that I should start volunteering in the community.  Let's be honest with each other, if you're looking for work, you're not going to get it. Times are tough. You have to stand out from the rest. In the meantime, you have to fill your time so you don't get bored. Well, I decided I'd work with my local Senior Center. I like older people. They're entertaining. Besides, they have the most scandalous dating scene. I love it.

Prior to volunteering, I was reading in my devotionals about not over committing or being taken advantage of. Well, I thought that was a good word of advice before selling my soul for free. I started working with this lady. She is really nice but a bit of a scatterbrain. She was a proud pack rat; which is one thing that makes me start twitching. She asked me when I was available and I told her I wasn't working so I had a free schedule. She asked if I had kids, and I said, nope. Big mistake.

She over scheduled me. I don't have a problem coming in, but I do have a problem if I'm driving 30 minutes into town just to sit in an office with nothing to do. After weeks of this, I realized this was a waste of my time. She did have need for me, but she was so scatterbrained that no one could make sense of it. She asked me to come in for a long day so I could attend a meeting. Then she went to the meeting without me. Meanwhile, I'm wondering if I had bad breath or she didn't like how I was dressed. I asked her about it and she said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about you. I'm sorry. I do want you to attend another meeting. I feel it's really important for you to learn everything....." blah blah blah.

After she came back from a long trip to Europe, I was finally able to talk to her. I tried to tell her that I won't be able to come in again but she interrupted me. She said that one lady quit and there might be an opening at the Center. She wasn't sure about it, but she was pretty sure they'd need someone. She also said that she needed an assistant and I would naturally fall into that position. Well, I bit my tongue and said, "I'd be very interested in that. Let me know more when you find out if they open the position."

Well, I didn't hear more about it from her. Its sad to say, but I didn't trust her. I think she knows how to hook people in. Finally, I told her that I needed to concentrate my efforts on getting work. I loved working at the Center, but I couldn't say no to her. I wanted to help but she was driving me insane. When I told her I couldn't come in, she emailed me and asked if I had considered taking the position or not. I didn't even know it was open or offered. I tried to get a hold of her to no avail.

Then God stepped in. The following morning someone hacked into my email, probably God himself. And sent everyone I had every corresponded with a Viagra link, including one to the Senior Center. Well, great. As if that's not totally inappropriate. I sent a chaser email, telling people not to open the link. Yeah, well, it didn't help things. I was finally able to get a hold of they lady at the Center and she very politely told me the job was unavailable. Keep in mind, the day I was calling was the last day to put in for it. But for Viagra girl, it was too late. Damage done.

If sending an email about Viagra doesn't get you a job, I don't know what else will?

I suppose its a good thing. I would've taken the position and hated it. Her disorganization makes me shake involuntarily. I really hate it when people make promises and then totally forget it. She did that a lot. This was one of those times when I would've made the wrong decision. In order to protect me and my sanity, God had to step in and use Viagra for me. I'm grateful.