I had it all wrong

First off we moved out of our dread full home in the country into a lovely 1950's era house in town. I love it. We are close to everything and everyone. I see my friends more. The house can stay clean. It has heat. And did I mentioned its clean? The other house was always dirty. You'd clean it but then the wind would blow outside and it was dirty again. I felt like the mythical god who spends eternity pushing a boulder up a hill. I feel so blessed in the house I'm in now.

Booth, on the other hand, is a different story. The new environment didn't really help things for him. Poor guy. He's lost weight, is more immature, and more needy. We feel really bad for him. Living in the town with people everywhere is a bit much for him. He's a scary dog if he doesn't know you. And he wants to "address" everyone who walks by the house. He gets in trouble a lot more. We keep him in the back so he doesn't have to see people. However, while we were on vacation he managed to break through the fence to the front yard. He knows he's not allowed to be in the front yard but he took advantage of his dog sitter. German Shepherds are a handful. I can't wait till he's a little older.

When we moved into this house I went on an organization frenzy. This home is really for my husband. I'll be leaving in a short few weeks and will be gone for the next two-possibly three- years. Yes, you heard me correctly.

A couple of months ago I joined the Army National Guard-which is the second change in our lives. I'm looking forward to this change. I missed the military when my husband was in. He is now focusing on other things that make re-enlisting unrealistic at this time. I got tired of looking for jobs I really don't want. So I figured out what I wanted out of life and asked the Army to make it happen. My family thinks I'm crazy for doing this, but they will always think that of me. Its the frustrating curse of being the youngest.

Since I will be gone I want to make the house as livable for the hubby as possible. I have gone through everything we owned and donated half of it. Its amazing how much stuff you collect that you don't really need. It has taken me months to do this but I love doing it. Also, I fear that when I leave Levi will throw out all my stuff. He claims that as soon as I'm gone he's going to redecorate. Lord help us.

I just got a little perspective yesterday. This entire time I've been thinking that things have been really rough. Well it's hasn't been. At least not as bad as it could be. I was reading a woman's comment about the real hardships of life. She grew up in the military and then married into the military. This woman knows what she's doing. She had a lot of wisdom and advice to give. I wish she'd write a book. She doesn't think having a baby alone in the military is something we should get upset about. Instead, it's times when the wife has cancer and her husband is called away. He doesn't know if she is going to be alive when he comes home. Or when her own father was KIA the day before she graduated high school. According to her, these are the real tragedies of life. She's right. However, it doesn't make missing the birth of your child any easier. She wasn't dismissing it but rather offering a little perspective. That kind of stuff helps me realize my own problems aren't as horrible as I think.

This whole time I've been thinking that we've been having it rough. Really, the only problem is my attitude. I don't like change I haven't been prepared for. I like a good adventure as long as I'm prepared for it. I was all about moving across the country but I was not okay with the unknown that greeted us. If we had jobs and housing set up, I'd be fine. I have no problems making friends, so that's not an issue. The issue was my attitude. I hated where we were living, where I was working (and thankfully no longer working), and I missed my family. 

The thing about it is, I love the town we live by. It is so refreshing and new. Washington is a very progressive state and I love it. I'm not much of a hippy and never will be, but I enjoy how conscientious everyone is here.

I read another blog about a woman who's husband came back from deployment a different man. He suffered a head injury and has never been the same. She has to completely take care of his every need.  He has TBI and PTSD. I can't imagine how drastically her life has changed. Yet she is embracing it and working through that. That's not an easy life and I really admire her.

Perhaps I needed to throw my fit and then be slapped in the face with other's reality. Hopefully next time I wont be such an idiot about myself. Think about it, why is it we feel like our lives are so rough?

Last month I decided that I should start volunteering in the community.  Let's be honest with each other, if you're looking for work, you're not going to get it. Times are tough. You have to stand out from the rest. In the meantime, you have to fill your time so you don't get bored. Well, I decided I'd work with my local Senior Center. I like older people. They're entertaining. Besides, they have the most scandalous dating scene. I love it.

Prior to volunteering, I was reading in my devotionals about not over committing or being taken advantage of. Well, I thought that was a good word of advice before selling my soul for free. I started working with this lady. She is really nice but a bit of a scatterbrain. She was a proud pack rat; which is one thing that makes me start twitching. She asked me when I was available and I told her I wasn't working so I had a free schedule. She asked if I had kids, and I said, nope. Big mistake.

She over scheduled me. I don't have a problem coming in, but I do have a problem if I'm driving 30 minutes into town just to sit in an office with nothing to do. After weeks of this, I realized this was a waste of my time. She did have need for me, but she was so scatterbrained that no one could make sense of it. She asked me to come in for a long day so I could attend a meeting. Then she went to the meeting without me. Meanwhile, I'm wondering if I had bad breath or she didn't like how I was dressed. I asked her about it and she said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about you. I'm sorry. I do want you to attend another meeting. I feel it's really important for you to learn everything....." blah blah blah.

After she came back from a long trip to Europe, I was finally able to talk to her. I tried to tell her that I won't be able to come in again but she interrupted me. She said that one lady quit and there might be an opening at the Center. She wasn't sure about it, but she was pretty sure they'd need someone. She also said that she needed an assistant and I would naturally fall into that position. Well, I bit my tongue and said, "I'd be very interested in that. Let me know more when you find out if they open the position."

Well, I didn't hear more about it from her. Its sad to say, but I didn't trust her. I think she knows how to hook people in. Finally, I told her that I needed to concentrate my efforts on getting work. I loved working at the Center, but I couldn't say no to her. I wanted to help but she was driving me insane. When I told her I couldn't come in, she emailed me and asked if I had considered taking the position or not. I didn't even know it was open or offered. I tried to get a hold of her to no avail.

Then God stepped in. The following morning someone hacked into my email, probably God himself. And sent everyone I had every corresponded with a Viagra link, including one to the Senior Center. Well, great. As if that's not totally inappropriate. I sent a chaser email, telling people not to open the link. Yeah, well, it didn't help things. I was finally able to get a hold of they lady at the Center and she very politely told me the job was unavailable. Keep in mind, the day I was calling was the last day to put in for it. But for Viagra girl, it was too late. Damage done.

If sending an email about Viagra doesn't get you a job, I don't know what else will?

I suppose its a good thing. I would've taken the position and hated it. Her disorganization makes me shake involuntarily. I really hate it when people make promises and then totally forget it. She did that a lot. This was one of those times when I would've made the wrong decision. In order to protect me and my sanity, God had to step in and use Viagra for me. I'm grateful.

What a unique town I live in. I've come to love my new home. Scratch that, my new town. My home? Now that is one thing I've come to hate. You should never hate your home. Your home is supposed to be your refuge; the one safe place for you to go. Well, I should've had an inspector go through the house before we signed the lease.


You see, when my husband left the military, we shipped all our worldly possessions off to a storage facility in Washington. We left behind our freshly painted townhouse. The one that was just remolded; it was really nice. We took what we needed and set off in search of a new life. We had no plan. I wanted one, but I wasn't given that. It took several long weeks for us to finally have a plan in motion. They were some dark times, followed by even darker times.

So there we were, sleeping on our friend's apartment floor, trying not to let discouragement weigh us down. We drove up and down Western Washington. Trying to find a when you don't have a job is tricky. No one wants to lease you a place if you're not working. On the flip side, we didn't know what our income would be to know what we could afford. We also didn't know which city or town we'd find work in. We looked everywhere. We didn't know the neighborhoods to know if they were a good place to live. We went totally blind to this.

We also felt horrible about staying with our friend for so long but we had no where else to go. We started off trying to leave early and get back at night. But as time passed, I got discouraged and didn't want to go out again. I wanted to relax for once and not be so wound up. I wanted some sort of security. It was so bad that our friend's roommate moved out. He hated that we were there. Now our friend assured us that it wasn't our fault and he didn't care. I was touched by his kindness but I felt AWFUL about it.

Finding a job was really discouraging. I had always been proud of my career back in Maryland. I loved it and was proud of myself for the independent woman I had become. Suddenly, I'm across the country and no one gives a rip about me. I sent my resume everywhere but no one responded. That's blow to one's ego. After weeks for rejection, I found work! I was offered a job one morning and by that afternoon we had a place to live. Finally! Little did I know that job would only last a day but it was all we needed to secure a home. Funny how things work out. Come to find out, this town is just now being hit by the recession. So of course no was hiring.

We drove out to the house and I was so excited. It wasn't until we started unpacking our house that we realized what we had done. We had just moved into a house that looked like I built it. Well, crap. It was really frustrating at first. Now, its rather funny to us. We can't understand how our landlord built this house and got away with it. He asked me if I wanted him to build me a green house. I said, "Sure! I need to learn to garden." I was thrilled when I found out I was getting my own green house. It wasn't until we moved in that we realized where he was putting the greenhouse. He built it up against the back door on the deck. It's so awkwardly placed.

I think I will laugh about this house for the rest of my life. As I'm writing this I can't help but giggle. When the wind blew outside, you could feel the breeze inside. The windows didn't fit in the frame and shook when the wind blew. We had to put Qtips in the window to keep it from shaking! Yuk! He put two panes of glass in the door but didn't bother to clean the inside portion. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get those darn windows clean. The shelves in the kitchen are held together by three, not four, but three prongs. We have to be careful how we place items on the shelf so it doesn't fall over. The woodstove leaked smoked into the house so there was ALWAYS dust and soot everywhere. The trim was falling off the ceiling. There were cracks in places where should never be a crack. Heck, there is even quarter stuffed between the wall and the floor!?! What is that all about? Half the other stuff, I don't even know how to explain because it doesn't make sense to the naked eye.

Even my dog is confused. He can't tell the difference between the scrap wood outside and the door frame. He gathers all his prized sticks, scrap wood and toys and place it on the porch. Then he'll lay down and chew on all of it. Sometimes he'll go for the wrong thing and start chewing on the door frame. I can't really blame him. There's not much difference between the two.

We didn't trust the floor board heater. One time, my landlord Greg, asked my husband if he had a screw. He said he didn't. Greg said, "Don't worry about it. I'll just grab one from the heating unit and put it in the fire alarm." My husband proceeded to watch him take apart the furnace and removed a screw. First off, why did he need a screw for the fire alarm already installed on the wall? Secondly, why would he take a screw that was already being used? We've come to learn that answering these questions is a waste of time. No one will ever understand Greg. What Greg said that day fully explains how this house was built. We've also learned that the fire alarm in worthless anyway. That's really comforting.

It truly is amazing how your environment can effect you. I felt like I could never keep it clean enough. It always felt dirty. There were big spiders hanging out just outside my door. They have beautiful Bambo growing next to the house with lovely spiders looking in the windows. I was so afraid they'd attack me in the middle of the night. Don't worry. They didn't but I did feel them staring at me. Creepy.

We also didn't have heat for a month. Greg told us we would only need a chord and a half to make it through the winter. Well, he was wrong. Being the frugal people we are, we decided after our second chord of wood to not get another chord. The weather was changing and it wasn't so cold anymore. If we bought another chord of wood it would be a waste if we didn't use it all. Also, I had just purchased snow pants. So we waited out the cold. Well, it didn't get much warmer. A month later I was telling my friends how frustrated I was with not having heat. When I get cold I don't have much motivation. My friend was so nice she said that we could use her large space heater. It was AMAZING! The house doesn't get toasty but it warms it enough to get rid of the cold edge. Also, amazingly enough, I have adapted to cold weather. It doesn't bother me as much. My neighbor was complaining of the cold one day as we stood in the rain while our puppies played. I didn't even notice. Anyone who knows me, knows that is a miracle. I was born freezing. Not anymore!

Not too long ago, I was reading in my daily devotional a story about woman who had lived in this dinky old apartment. She never let it bother her or stop her from having friends over. She made it her own. I set out to do just that. I decorated the house one evening with all my favorite decorations. Before then, I didn't want to waste my time on this house. I'm so glad I did anyway. It lifted my spirits and helped me like the house a lot better. We started laughing about all its shortcomings instead of complaining about it. I have yet to have people come over; one step at a time.

It also helped knowing that my situtation wasn't as bad as others. My neighbor had a leaking roof for four months before my landlord hired someone to fix it. Keep in mind that I live in a state where it rains almost everyday. She said there was black mold growing in the closet. It was only then that the landlord did something. He didn't do anything about the black mold but the roof was repaired. I'm sure he'll get to the mold in a couple of months.

I've come to realize that its not all that bad. It's how you handle the situations that determines the outcome. We changed out attitude and focused our attention on other things. We still live in this house waiting patiently for the day when we can move out but until then, we'll be content with what we have.

I want to be a better person and I hope to become that person. I also understand and accept my flaws. I'm not going to be the ideal person overnight. Its going to take a lifetime. Please don't let my short comings from hindering you from experiencing God. One thing that makes me uncomfortable about being a Christian is that my imperfections might cause you to hate God. Thing is, I can't control your reactions. I truly do wish people could experience the same personal experience I have with God.

EAS. The long awaited day for my husband. The dreaded day for me. It’s the prescheduled day when the Marine departs from the military. It stands for End of Active Service. Meaning, adios Marine Corps and all your security! Yeah sure, it also means my husband wont die a gruesome death or live with a disability. I wont have to raise my children as a single parent while my husband is off in some country with a gun strapped to his chest like Rambo.


Alright. It is the safe choice but how was I suppose to know that? I've only known a long distance relationship with him. I was used to him gone. I still had my independence, yet, was in a committed relationship. It was the perfect recipe. Okay. I'll admit it. I was terrified. A career change in this economy is a bad idea. My husband was deployed with limited internet availability. Not to mention he was fighting a war. He came home with just enough time to go through the process of getting out of the military. If you’re a Marine you know what I’m talking about. If you’re not, I’ll spare you the frustration. He applied to jobs all over the country in his short amount of time left in the military. He wanted to try his hand at civilian life. He is an intelligent man. He did well in the military. Geez, he does well at everything. He’s one of those guys. I had confidence in him just not in the economy.

Previous to moving to North Carolina, I was working for a company where I saw firsthand the effects of a struggling economy. It was heartbreaking. Perhaps, if I didn’t have that job I could’ve gone naively into civilian life. Unfortunately, I was educated. However, he was adamant that he wanted out of the military. I still don’t understand. He looked so hot in that uniform.

So we spun the globe and our finger landed on Washington State. Neither one of us had been there before. Well, the husband likes to think that going there when he was a baby counts. It doesn’t. We packed up our car and headed across America. Okay, so more than just a car. I had a house load of very important things. The husband had two sea bags. Well, I’m a girl. Seriously, what did you expect?

We had so much fun driving across the US. We visited different cities and landmarks. We saw family and friends we hadn’t seen in a long while. One of my girlfriends from college told me that I could stay in her house in Kansas even though she was on vacation. How sweet is that?! I wish I had a chance to see her but her house was great!

I was so excited to go to the Dakotas. I know, who is excited about that? Me. We came across the Badlands while we were there. Frankly, I had never heard about it before. Apparently, my sister mentioned it once but my ADD must have gotten in the way of my memory that day. We arrived at the Badlands right at sunset. It was so beautiful and majestic. It’s the only time in my life I’ve ever been awestruck. I was so struck by its grandeur that I couldn’t possibly see how someone could deny God after seeing this. Then my husband piped up beside me and explained that carbon dating of the Badlands predated the Bible. I didn’t realize I had spoken out loud. Nonetheless, it was beautiful. We talked about going back there and camping nearby. And when I say camping, I’m talking an air conditioned cabin with full amenities. Seriously, how did a Marine marry a woman like me?

As each mile passed, my anxiety increased. We were moving across country with no home or job in place. That’s a scary future. I need to plan. I need structure. I have to have something to hold on to. My husband, not so much. He was confident he could figure it out. I wish I had balls like that. We arrived in Idaho to visit with his family. It was good to see them. I had only met them once before but talked to them on the phone throughout deployment. My brother-in-law was home on leave from the Army. He brought with him his beautiful bride for us to meet. He’s in Iraq now. I’m sure he’s loving it. I can tell you his wife is not. No one likes deployment—yet I would’ve rather do that again than face this economy. When he comes home he’ll meet his darling little girl for the first time. Oh, I’m so excited for them! What a reunion that will be!

We stayed in Idaho for two weeks. By that time my anxiety was so high it started affecting me physically. I was exhausted and emotional. My patience was very thin by this point. And I was getting fatter. That does not make for a happy girl. Finally, we packed up our things and headed to Washington. Now my husband wanted to become a police officer in Tacoma, WA. And that’s pretty much it. No contacts there. Tacoma wasn’t even hiring but he had hope for us. I didn’t. He’s such a better person than me.

We crossed the state line and drove towards Tacoma. And then drove right through it. Tacoma was pretty sketchy looking. No thanks. We had a friend who lived just south of the Canadian border. He told me while we were in North Carolina still that if we needed a place to stay we could stay with him. We decided to take him up on it. I’m sure he regrets that to this day.

We made it. We were finally in Washington. We were both excited and curious about our future here. We wondered at what memories we would create here. Is this where our children would grow up and call home? Would we be happy here? Does it really rain as much as they say? As our cross country adventure was coming to an end, reality sets in. Now that we're here, what do we do?